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Monkey business:
HOW WE CAN CHEAT
ON EMISSIONS TESTS.
Let’s take our naive customers for a ride.
Volkswagen
2006
General Motors
24.7%
Ford
17.9%
Toyota
15.2%
Honda
9.1%
Volkswagen
1.9%
YTD % Market Share in U.S., 2006
Playing fair
IS TOUGH.
Our competitors are eating oysters and drinking champagne
while we’re just nibbling on bratwurst.
It’s not a hardware problem,
IT’S A SOFTWARE PROBLEM.
Making our cars more fuel efficient is hard. Getting some IT geeks to fake it is way easier.
1.5
1.3
1.2
Volkswagen Jetta
38x limit
37x limit
1.4
Volkswagen Passat
1.1
0.3
0.2
U.S. Limit
.04 grams/kilometer
Urban
Urban
(Los Angeles)
Highway
Rural
(up and downhill)
Urban
(San Diego)
Urban
(Los Angeles)
Highway
0.1
Rural
0.4
(up and downhill)
0.5
9x limit
0.6
(San Diego)
0.7
17x limit
0.8
17x limit
0.9
20x limit
25x limit
1.0
15x limit
GRAMS OF NITROGEN OXIDES PER KILOMETER
Average emissions of nitrogen oxides in on-road testing
Introducing:
The Lance Armstrong of Cars™
The Lance Armstrong of Cars™
determines where the car is being driven (i.e. highway,
road, testing) by analysing a series of factors.
FACTOR ANALYSED
Speed
Position of
steering
Duration of
Engine
Operation
Barometric
pressure
MODE OF THE VEHICLE?
Mode switches to “dyno calibration” as The
Lance Armstrong of Cars™ recognises
automobile is undergoing emission test.
EPA compliant emission levels produced.
Being
tested
Result
Normal
Operation
Result
Mode switches to “road calibration” as
The Lance Armstrong of Cars™ recognises
automobile is not being tested by nerds.
Effectiveness of emission control system reduced,
increasing chance of killing polar bears.
Nitrogen oxide levels skyrocket up to 40 times.
Actual Rat
Volkswagen Passat
Volkswagen Jetta
Actual Rat
Volkswagen Beetle
THESE ARE THE
POTENTIAL LAB RATS!
Porsche Cayenne
Actual Rat
Actual Rat
Audi A7 Quattro
Actual Rat
THE MOST FUEL-EFFICIENT CAR
ACCORDING TO (TOTALLY LEGIT) TESTS
Because screw the polar bears
VW Beetle
Those all important terms and conditions that you really shouldn’t read, because everything we do is totally fine. Don’t worry yourself and stop
reading now. Seriously, we made this text super small on purpose. Are you Superman or something? Anyway, the point is, our cars are
definitely fuel efficient, because tests proved it. And we promise we didn’t cheat in those tests. And we’re trustworthy. I promise.
COOLWORDS
THINK SMALL. ACT BIG.
Let’s meet in a year for some oysters and champagne.
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